Trials & Tribulations!

Hola & welcome to my second blog post!

I’m currently on the upward curve of inspiration after a few extremely difficult days with my mental health so thought i’d write about my experiences as a means to authentically express myself & hopefully help people through that expression

I believe - part formed by my observation of life & my own patterns of struggle & challenge & part backed by many years of working intimately with people in pain - that most people are suffering in some way & many suffering with the mind & their general mental health as i frequently do. 

My aim is for these kinds of sharings for it not to be an open vent of my challenges but more of a constructive - here’s what i’ve been going through, here’s what I think is going on, here’s what I found useful that helped me through it - How about you? And hopefully it resonates & is helpful. 

It’s been a damn bumpy ride for an extended period of time now in which i’ve lived under considerable amounts of stress for many years.. 

When I feel into my body I know is likely driving a host of challenges that i’m currently experiencing combined with a considerable amount of past trauma that has been surfacing over the last 6 months or so to be felt, to be healed & to be brought to a space of peace

I’m seeing the upcoming trip cycling from Alaska to Argentina as a golden opportunity to create the space & have the time to work through the challenges i’m currently facing & want it more than anything else i’ve ever wanted in life - but not sure which I want more - the trip or the healing that I know the trip will bring to my mind body & soul…

 You can find out more about the trip here; www.dreamweaver.bike

I feel like i’m beating around the bush a little bit about exactly what has been going on so here are the juicy goods!

I had some very difficult things happen as a kid & in my early 20s that gave me a series of core belief systems that other people & the world around me are fundamentally unsafe - maybe in future I will share but for now it’s a little much

Because of this i’ve trained myself to be in a near constant state of awareness of the world around me & also within myself as a sophisticated protection strategy which has served me to a point but i’m now recognising this hypervigilance is only really serving to isolate me from connection with others which has been a pretty lonely place to be.

So this foundation - or lack of foundation - of fear & shame has set the stage for me to attract a series of challenges through seeing the world & others as unsafe - Relationship collapse, business collapse & bankruptcy a number of years ago, joined a very unhealthy spiritual group verging on sect situation that imploded, another relationship breakdown, mould poisoning, 2 parasite infections & so on...

Over the last 18 months a 5 week complete mental breakdown that created a huge breakthrough at the start of last year, severe EMF poisoning leading me to leave a property this time last year, mould poisoning round 2, a difficult breakup, parasite infection round 3, a very difficult life circumstance in April, EMF poisoning & house move round 2 recently which has left me utterly physically drained & generally smashed & with the deeper emotional work over the last 6 months years of trauma has been coming up to the surface to be felt, moved through & released - which sucks when it’s happening due to the emotional exhaustion & nervous system chaos of the process that can knock me out for 1-3 days but once it’s through life categorically improves a little bit (& sometimes a lot!) - every single time. 

So i’ve been having loads of fun! Haha, don’t get me wrong, it’s really not been all doom & gloom - there’s been some incredible beauty as well - new relationships, I joined an amazing new community at Yoga In The Stars, am involved in TrueMe which is a deeply exciting project, still am in love with my work of helping people have grown a LOT & of course the trip is coming!

So right now due to all of this I feel like i’m in something i’m going to coin as ‘Transformation Fatigue’ as all of these challenges have indeed served my growth as a person massively & I feel like i’m a different person each month at the moment which is hugely positive!

But at the same time I feel like i’ve done more than a few rounds in the ring, am feeling pretty battered, very fatigued with a body in deep need of rest & recovery & if i’m lucky a temporary break from challenge!

Thankfully since health is my thing I know the things to do to nourish myself - which is what the various challenges are always helping me to improve on. 

If i get to bed at 9/930, sleep till around 7 then I can get a good morning in  before there’s a crash in the afternoon to which I weather in the best way possible which isn’t always easy as being limited by my energy is something i find deeply frustrating - These crashes help to teach me better patience, self patience, compassion & trust that there is a rhyme reason & deeper plan to it all which I very much believe.

Nutrition is A1 at the moment - it has to be to support my system as it heals - 90% organic, high protein, no gluten, no sugar, no chemicals. Because my system is under so much stress i’ve become intolerant to many foods & I pay if I eat the wrong thing - which I actually see as a gift from the body helping me not to take in what isn’t good for the system.

I’ve scaled clients back as if I work with more than 2 a day then the next day is a bit of a right off energy wise

Mind & emotions are frequently deeply intense & somewhat erratic as my system is so jacked in fight or flight which is probably the hardest part to deal with if i’m honest - Actually writing all of this down feels great! 

There’s been a big piece for a long time of wanting to project the image of the ‘perfect health coach’ which is BS! - especially given my contention & dynamic at the moment of very much a healing works in progress which is what i think we all are...

I’m in a place of recognition these days that all of the challenges feed into my effectiveness as a coach - not only have I been there, done it & got the T-shirt with a variety of health issues but I also understand the mental loops, the stress, the sabotage, the victimhood because i’ve lived it - & transformed it - so damn many times I can’t count that I have an intimate knowledge of how certain psychological dynamics work & what can be done for them which helps with my client work massively.

So ready to let go of the perfect coach projection fully & share my journey of healing so that it may help people to see that we go through stuff too - & knowing a lot of coaches we tend to go through a lot of stuff… Must be in the job description…

I’m also reading a book called Way of The Heart which is channeled messages from Jesus to put the good Christ vibes in for a good nights sleep & praying that i have the energy to create my dreams… Turns out from the book Jesus was/is an absolute joker, cares for what was done in his name by organised religion as much as I do & is, as you might a expect a really nice guy!

Whole other tangent for another time but I was investigating the other day after thinking; Hang on - if the Roman’s killed Jesus because he was a bad guy then why did they create the Catholic church in his name 300 years later?? Hmmm, something doesn’t add up here here... Well worth an investigation of your own if that kinda thing tickles your pickle!

So it’s  somewhat of a dance that i’m in at the moment - I plan to cycle from Alaska to Argentina in 6 weeks or so but currently i’m struggling with energy which is driving fear & dysregulation (as well as a resurgence of trauma release that wants to come through = more intense emotion & dysregulation) which is driving more stress which is driving lower energy which is driving fear… & so on! 

Furthermore I’ve got a longstanding hip issue that I currently don’t have energy to exercise which if left unchecked will likely give me a knee issue after a few thousand miles of riding - Uh oh! What an absurd predicament! How very inconvenient! 

Hahaha, I think it’s good to bring humour to our challenges as much as can be done as i’m actually feeling pretty light now describing this funny game that i’ve set for myself…

So what the hell am I going to do about it all?

Well, this feels like a super positive start - I actually feel great getting this all out on paper, i’m continually realising the power of authentic sharing & how disempowered we are when we keep things in the dark so this feels good!

Next - Do some work to refocus on my dream of the trip as due to all the goings on I recognise that i’ve semi slipped into a negative space as it seems so close but so far away laced with worries on whether my system will be able to hold it. 

Flipping back to the positive inspiration of how amazing it will be, how much I will transform & how many people I will help is gonna be the order of the day. I started a mandala for the trip 2 ½ years ago that I still havn’t finished so i’m going to finish that.

Here's a picture of it for my accountability!

Next - So awareness is great but it’s limited without action - I feel a need & desire to address the latest resurgence of trauma - I learn so much each time & have an acute awareness & knowing through self observation & facilitating trauma release bodywork for my clients that the psyche is titrating stored trauma & emotion, releasing it when the psyche is ready - otherwise if we released it all at once we would have a mental breakdown! - so whilst it’s frickin savage to go through i’m always deeply grateful to the intelligence the psyche & unconscious mind to allow me to release more.

My experience is that more trauma release = more freedom = a better time in life.

Hopefully through addressing this latest wave i’ll be able to go deeper into rest & recover so that I can prepare my body & my business for the trip whilst seeing all my buddies before I leave;

Consistent stability based gym routine to get things as ship shape as possible

And businesswise I’m launching an amazing coaching container called the Dreamweaver Mastermind which will be me running dream realisation orientated coaching from living my dream on the trip - Developing & sharing my medicine of always having an extremely strong north star, purpose & passion in life & helping others to cultivate their dream as I live mine

Dreamweaver will be incredible by the way, i'm super excited to be cooking it up at the moment, a lot of heart is going into it - if you want to find out more about it, you can do so here;

https://www.faenix.co.uk/dreamweaver

Get all the bike equipment & the bike sorted

See all my friends & family before I go

Tie everything up with clients

All whilst respecting that my system is trying to heal from months of onslaught & prioritising rest first…

And being happy with however things unfold as I also need to be ready for things not improving - which is probably the hardest thing as I want this so much but am trying to release the attachments that are creating misery when things arn’t going as planned…

After getting all this down I now actually feel super pumped to make it all happen! I know the mental emotional challenges are not going to magically disappear once I get on the bike & am actually getting ready for things to maybe even get worse whilst on the bike…

But i’ve got a dream that i’m not giving up on!!! 

Whatever comes up, i’m here to meet it, walk through the fire & emerge transformed… & likely crispy, singed & hopefully tastier through the struggle!

I deeply believe that the time to reflect, the physical activity & the spaciousness of the Alaskan wilderness is going to massively help me heal from the challenges i’ve been going through & that everything is unfolding exactly as it should holding a depp trust in the choreography of life & whatever plan my soul & spirit has for me…

So thankyou for reading this! This is just the beginning - It’s gonna to get wild so stay tuned 🙂

If you want to find out more about getting involved in or supporting the Alaska to Argentina trip, The Dreamweave Mastermind, The Dreamweave Prayer or TrueMe then you can check out my new website here; www.dreamweaver.bike

And i’ve still got a couple of last minute spaces for getting rid of aches & pains & for health screenings before I leave London so if you want to address some body challenges then feel free to hit me up!

Big love & stay tuned,

Jesse